I think I'm having insomnia. I feel extremely tired but I just couldn't fall asleep. Normally the events happen in that day will flash in my eyes before I fall asleep but these two days I find it hard to do so. Once I close my eyes, all I can see is my rat staring at me doing nothing. Yes.. I am pretty bored these days. Feel like life is zombie-ish again. Nothing much happen lately. At least nothing interesting enough for me to remember. It is hard to describe the dilemma in me but the obvious feeling I am having is the very strong and rapid heart beat in me. I have the urge to cry but I can't. I've actually forgotten that I haven't been hanging out with any friends since November. Even before.. I never hang out.
I just had an argument with Kar. Well.. anyone who knows me know that I only blog when something goes wrong. I waited for him at the door for 2 hours which he had already said he will be back in an hour. I don't know why I got so pissed about it. It's always waiting that I am doing. Probably I envy him, having friends to hang out with. In a moment I actually think won't it be nice if I am the one out with friends and forgotten about the time and having him waiting for me at the door (don't really mean that but you get what I mean). My mood was really bad these days due to unknown reasons. He said sorry once as he walked in and continue telling me his story of his hang out with his friends. It was probably my sub-conscious that did the selective listening, as I only hear his 'sorry' very very softly. I only feel the anger burning in me as he talks more of his story and he was getting excited with it. I was wandering did he said the 'sorry' because he is really sorry for making me wait, making me frustrated, making me sad or just saying 'sorry' because he was suppose to apologise. After he explained his misunderstanding in some part of my anger/ problem, I still feel not satisfied because he gets even angry as I was angry at him. I just don't understand what that sorry actually means to him and me. And it seems so wrong to him that I was actually angry for that (for so long). Maybe (he said it himself) that was a small matter. It's not to me. I couldn't make it clear as my anger clouded me at that moment.
Still I wanna admit that I overreacted, mostly because I wasn't in good mood. Maybe it's just hard for guys to understand a girl's thinking. Not to complicated after all. I just want a truly 'sorry because I hurt your feelings by making you wait for me for an hour, I won't do it again because I don't want you to get sad'.
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1 comment:
You know what? You sound a little like mummy. Remember those days when pa came back late from work and mum would just make a big fuss out of it? Of course mummy had her reasons to be angry but I felt sorry for pa because I don't think he's done anything that wrong to deserve that. Still, I think it's a man's responsibility to endure these outbreaks from women because we can't help it due to hormonal, genetically imprinted chemical imbalance that makes all women transiently mad every now and then.
Oppositely, (I can't be sure but) I think men are just not born to care too much about sensitivity of feelings and touchy-feely stuff like this, making it so hard to understand the frustration in women. So part of the relationship process is to understand each other. I'm a medic, so I tend to explain these feeling stuff using the scientific and psychological theories to justify what is happening. Maybe you can find your own way of explaining these occurances as well. The key is to step back from your angry self for a few minutes (just like what you are doing in your blog) and ask why is this happening and is the reaction out of proportion compared to the crime he has committed?
Like I told Cheng, late teenagehood and early 20s are fantastic years when we start to truely discover ourselves and decide what kind of a person we want to be. So good luck sis. It's complicated stuff, but all part of growing up (and all along I thought I've stopped growing up after 16 years old...).
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