I hate complications

I did something stupid today. I cried badly about my ex again this morning in my boyfriend's arms. I feel like I'm the biggest idiot in the world for doing so, crying for someone who treat me like dirt before. Now I'm crying for the jerk in front of the one who sees me like his everything. I'm a big ass idiot. I seriously thought I would recover completely already by now. I guess I still need a stronger dose anesthetic to numb the pain in me.

I love my boyfriend now, so much till I'm so vulnerable to be hurt again. Although at times I still can get a grip on my own feelings and stay strong. I wanted to make a bottom line on how far I would let my emotions run this time. Not running wild like last time. But I think I really do care a lot about working this relationship out. Tonight, I allowed my emotions get over me. My boyfriend is a smoker. This coming from a girl that hates smokers. I heart just sank into the bottom of the ocean when I found out that he's still smoking. I knew that, just didn't want to keep questioning the same thing that I obviously has known the answer. I didn't want to get emotional on that, because I seriously know it is not an easy task. I hate myself. For being paranoid and beating too much on the issue. I am still stoned until now, don't know what can I do. There is nothing I can do I guess. I feel so naive saying that I can change him at first. And I know he has the will to do that, but... I just don't know how to help. Thinking of what he is going to get after a few years time if he keeps taking cigarettes. I can't bear of thinking him leaving me in the future just because of the few stupid sticks he inhaled into his lungs when he was young. I just don't want to think about it. I just don't want to know. I hate him for not trying harder. For a moment I just though of doing crazy things like that, prehapes start taking alcohol in a huge amount and get equal. Can he understand what I am feeling? Can he bear to see me doing those to myself? I let my emotions run wild tonight and I'm going to get a grip after this blog. I don't want complications in my life. Just as plain as water I'll be happy with it. Still can't make a conclusions on what I'm going to do with this. Probably sleep tonight and forget about it by tomorrow. I don't know. All I wanna do is want him to be a better person for himself, not me. Its not me being angry or not. I am not. Its just feeling worried and helpless. All I can do is stand aside and watch. And trust me that is not a good feeling. I'll give him time, but just don't take too long. Cause its not fun watching it.