Love & hate

I have no idea what I'm going to write tonight. I just got back from work. I would like to crap all the frustrations I had during work, but now I couldn't help but craving to call my ex. Still I have to hold myself from contacting him. Actually I did tried. Luckily all my phones just went expired today. So it did fail my attempt. I saw a bulletin in friendster about 'what will you say if your ex wants you back'. I don't know those people made it up or what, but most of them actually hate their ex -- base on what they put on their response. Do love really turns to hate when it ends. I did hate my ex for what he did to me, but that was because I wanted myself to hate him because I'm trying to forget about him. Turns out it didn't actually work. You'd hate a person so much is because you loved him so much. It sounds ironic but that's true. I know I still love my ex although I didn't want to be with him. Just wanna be a friend to him just to make sure that he's happy. When I hated him before, I was really unhappy. I felt like I'm carrying a burden, and everyday it becomes heavier. It just made it harder for me to let him go. I'm still upset about what he did to hurt me before but the hurt actually force me to grow faster. Growing smarter, hmm.. I'm not sure. The hurt before actually made me see everything (about relationship) with my eyes. I can see all the things I didn't want in a man the 1st few times I date them. This makes me wander, will I be able to fall in love again. Rationally, I didn't want to fall in love again because I will not be able to get through the pain again; but in fantasy, I wish my fairytale will still happens. A friend of mine said, that's because I never really moved on. I guess he's right, but the question is will I be able to move on? And when will that happen? If I never move on, then I won't have my fairytale happens anymore? This is so unfair. I didn't get to decide that. I tried everything I could but it's really not on my call.